Entry 5: seventeen, junior year

I’m in my bed, listening to Tonic. The shades are open, the sunlight showing the dust particles dancing slowly through the room. Last night was a bit strange. After school, we went to [my cousin's] birthday party at that farm. It was weird how well I remembered the place. We were only there for a few hours a whole year ago, but once we arrived it felt like it was yesterday that we took the hayride. I wasn’t too pleased about being dragged there against my will, and I think I’m pmsing, too, so I wasn’t in the best spirits. [I'm totally in 6 Feet Under mode, so forgive me, but that last line makes me think so much of Claire Fisher. Which then makes me realize what a brilliantly written character she was--such an "everyteenager." Totally pointless side note.] But despite that AND the fact that it was freezing I found myself having a good time. I think it stemmed from the feeling of putting the kids before yourself. [Sounding a little like a Christian youth group leader...] Like this one girl, Sasha, was really cold and didn’t have gloves, so I gave her mine to wear. She was stuck to me like glue for the rest of the night. And [my other cousin] was kinda out of place and lonely, so I played with her a lot. By the end of the party, all the kids wanted piggy-back rides or wanted to chase me or something. It was pretty fun. [I remember that... I think it's weird when teenagers are suddenly emerged in a world that totally isn't their own. You know? There I was, completely self-obsessed with whatever adolescent goings-on I happened to be a part of, and all of a sudden I was playing on a farm with a bunch of little kids, totally removed from it all. Gave me a pinch of perspective for a couple hours, anyway.]

[Just realizing that that idea has nothing whatsoever to do with teenagers per say...pretty pertinent at any age.]

When we got home, I called Doogie like I was supposed to. He was gone. I, of course, was a bit miffed, but decided oh well and went to Spotlight. Canace wasn’t there, but Hal and Sean were. Rod and Mario soon arrived. There were like 20 people there all accumulated around the counter. Sean and I talked some; I think I sort of have a thing for him. It’s those damn eyes! The sex eyes! [Here we go. The "sex eyes" that started a Katie revolution...] Well, Hal invited me to go see 13 Ghosts at the AMC at 11:30. I said sure. So I left (it was only 9:30) and went to Frederick and Julie’s house. Frederick didn’t even know that Doogie had talked to me about going to see KPAX with them, let alone that he had confirmed it with me. Well, we sat and talked for about an hour until Julie came home. It got a little uncomfortable for me; even though I’ve always thought she was a sweetie, I’ve always gotten the underlying impression that she didn’t like me. Well, since I broke up with Doogie, the feeling has intensified. So I left soon after she got there. I wonder what they talked about after I left. [I still kind of wonder that... looking back and putting myself in anyone else's position, I have to say I'm impressed with how normal Julie was about a very abnormal situation. Right now I'm almost the age Frederick was when I met him, and that was about 9 years ago... it's funny: the things that technically should NEVER go right sometimes do, and the ones you always expect to end well often crash.]

I went back to Spotlight at 11:00, waited for them to close, and went in Rod’s car. Sean decided to go to a party instead. :( The feeling I got as we finally walked up to the theater was one of bad déjà vu. The only time I’ve ever been there before was with [an early high school ex-boyfriend]. It was a not-good date and that’s what I remembered. But Rod paid for me, and the seats were comfy. The moved SUCKED! [Ya think? Shannon Elizabeth and Matthew Lillard were in it together! By the way... whatever happened to Matthew Lillard?] Afterwards, we drove back (I almost fell asleep) and I picked up my car from Spotlight. We went to Krispie Kreme (I drive a lot faster than Rod) and I got free doughnuts for some reason—go figure. [Oh Jesus. Even in my frickin journal I was too much of a wilting flower to write down the reason for the free doughnuts: I was cute and some high school guy was working the night shift! There. I said it. Past me pisses me off.] So we parted ways, I went home and went to bed. That was at about 2:15 am. Today I slept in til about 12:30. I went to the mall with Canace and Kevin. Oy. I spent my last $17 on food and Canace’s BELATED birthday present—Fear and Loathing. [God... remember that? I mean, I can still (sadly) relate to the last $17 dollar thing, but waking up so late? Going to the mall? Thinking Spencer's was cool? Thinking Fear and Loathing was an original concept??] Came home, and since I started writing in here an hour ago, I’ve talked to 3 people:

Cesar: We talked about haunted houses (as usual as of late). But the funny/sad thing he told me was that last night Ned finally took my school picture out of his wallet and ripped it in half. He gave one half to Cesar and kept the other, saying, “With this we won’t be able to succumb to her spells.” [Yes, I think that was actually verbatim. It's so unfair that high school GIRLS get stuck with the stereotype of being drama queens.] I laughed, and it was real laughter, but it was hollow. Because even though I don’t care NEARLY as much as I used to, I’m still not apathetic to it. And Ned is supposedly going to say something to my face pretty soon. [Ooooh!] Good. I actually hope he does. I’m not sure of how I’ll react, but it should be ok.

Then Wes called: we’re still on for tonight. I don’t have the address or the knowledge of whose house this even is, but I’ll be there at 7, goddammit! Oh well. Maybe it’ll turn out better than I’m anticipating.

Right after that, Hal called, asking me if I wanted to go out with them tonight. A sweet gesture, and a real bitch if Sean’s gonna be there because I can’t go! Oh well. So I think I’ve gotten myself caught up in here. I’m off to Cesar’s to watch Heartbreakers. I love that movie! [I still do.] So until later, wish me luck! ~4:58