Entry 5: seventeen, junior year

I’m in my bed, listening to Tonic. The shades are open, the sunlight showing the dust particles dancing slowly through the room. Last night was a bit strange. After school, we went to [my cousin's] birthday party at that farm. It was weird how well I remembered the place. We were only there for a few hours a whole year ago, but once we arrived it felt like it was yesterday that we took the hayride. I wasn’t too pleased about being dragged there against my will, and I think I’m pmsing, too, so I wasn’t in the best spirits. [I'm totally in 6 Feet Under mode, so forgive me, but that last line makes me think so much of Claire Fisher. Which then makes me realize what a brilliantly written character she was--such an "everyteenager." Totally pointless side note.] But despite that AND the fact that it was freezing I found myself having a good time. I think it stemmed from the feeling of putting the kids before yourself. [Sounding a little like a Christian youth group leader...] Like this one girl, Sasha, was really cold and didn’t have gloves, so I gave her mine to wear. She was stuck to me like glue for the rest of the night. And [my other cousin] was kinda out of place and lonely, so I played with her a lot. By the end of the party, all the kids wanted piggy-back rides or wanted to chase me or something. It was pretty fun. [I remember that... I think it's weird when teenagers are suddenly emerged in a world that totally isn't their own. You know? There I was, completely self-obsessed with whatever adolescent goings-on I happened to be a part of, and all of a sudden I was playing on a farm with a bunch of little kids, totally removed from it all. Gave me a pinch of perspective for a couple hours, anyway.]

[Just realizing that that idea has nothing whatsoever to do with teenagers per say...pretty pertinent at any age.]

When we got home, I called Doogie like I was supposed to. He was gone. I, of course, was a bit miffed, but decided oh well and went to Spotlight. Canace wasn’t there, but Hal and Sean were. Rod and Mario soon arrived. There were like 20 people there all accumulated around the counter. Sean and I talked some; I think I sort of have a thing for him. It’s those damn eyes! The sex eyes! [Here we go. The "sex eyes" that started a Katie revolution...] Well, Hal invited me to go see 13 Ghosts at the AMC at 11:30. I said sure. So I left (it was only 9:30) and went to Frederick and Julie’s house. Frederick didn’t even know that Doogie had talked to me about going to see KPAX with them, let alone that he had confirmed it with me. Well, we sat and talked for about an hour until Julie came home. It got a little uncomfortable for me; even though I’ve always thought she was a sweetie, I’ve always gotten the underlying impression that she didn’t like me. Well, since I broke up with Doogie, the feeling has intensified. So I left soon after she got there. I wonder what they talked about after I left. [I still kind of wonder that... looking back and putting myself in anyone else's position, I have to say I'm impressed with how normal Julie was about a very abnormal situation. Right now I'm almost the age Frederick was when I met him, and that was about 9 years ago... it's funny: the things that technically should NEVER go right sometimes do, and the ones you always expect to end well often crash.]

I went back to Spotlight at 11:00, waited for them to close, and went in Rod’s car. Sean decided to go to a party instead. :( The feeling I got as we finally walked up to the theater was one of bad déjà vu. The only time I’ve ever been there before was with [an early high school ex-boyfriend]. It was a not-good date and that’s what I remembered. But Rod paid for me, and the seats were comfy. The moved SUCKED! [Ya think? Shannon Elizabeth and Matthew Lillard were in it together! By the way... whatever happened to Matthew Lillard?] Afterwards, we drove back (I almost fell asleep) and I picked up my car from Spotlight. We went to Krispie Kreme (I drive a lot faster than Rod) and I got free doughnuts for some reason—go figure. [Oh Jesus. Even in my frickin journal I was too much of a wilting flower to write down the reason for the free doughnuts: I was cute and some high school guy was working the night shift! There. I said it. Past me pisses me off.] So we parted ways, I went home and went to bed. That was at about 2:15 am. Today I slept in til about 12:30. I went to the mall with Canace and Kevin. Oy. I spent my last $17 on food and Canace’s BELATED birthday present—Fear and Loathing. [God... remember that? I mean, I can still (sadly) relate to the last $17 dollar thing, but waking up so late? Going to the mall? Thinking Spencer's was cool? Thinking Fear and Loathing was an original concept??] Came home, and since I started writing in here an hour ago, I’ve talked to 3 people:

Cesar: We talked about haunted houses (as usual as of late). But the funny/sad thing he told me was that last night Ned finally took my school picture out of his wallet and ripped it in half. He gave one half to Cesar and kept the other, saying, “With this we won’t be able to succumb to her spells.” [Yes, I think that was actually verbatim. It's so unfair that high school GIRLS get stuck with the stereotype of being drama queens.] I laughed, and it was real laughter, but it was hollow. Because even though I don’t care NEARLY as much as I used to, I’m still not apathetic to it. And Ned is supposedly going to say something to my face pretty soon. [Ooooh!] Good. I actually hope he does. I’m not sure of how I’ll react, but it should be ok.

Then Wes called: we’re still on for tonight. I don’t have the address or the knowledge of whose house this even is, but I’ll be there at 7, goddammit! Oh well. Maybe it’ll turn out better than I’m anticipating.

Right after that, Hal called, asking me if I wanted to go out with them tonight. A sweet gesture, and a real bitch if Sean’s gonna be there because I can’t go! Oh well. So I think I’ve gotten myself caught up in here. I’m off to Cesar’s to watch Heartbreakers. I love that movie! [I still do.] So until later, wish me luck! ~4:58

Entry 4: seventeen, junior year

I’m in speech; the bell hasn’t rung yet. I came here early because people weren’t really talking to me all that much in the hall. It’s not that I’m so attention starved, it’s just that I feel like no one out there really cares if I’m there anymore. [Ug. So high school. Except we still get those feelings sometimes, which sucks... I can totally picture my 17-year-old self writing intensely in my journal to look busy.] Oh, well. This morning I got grilled by a somewhat triumphant Canace about Rod’s and my date last night. Turns out it took him an hour to get the balls to call me last night. Enid was disappointed I didn’t “pick Mark.” Jeez, you’d think I engaged the guy. Newkirk’s starting class, gotta go! ~7:36

Same day, 8:56 am.

Waiting for class to end. We did learn something that’s pertinent to my life today though. We learned about the different kinds of power. I realized that the types are all pretty easy to spot and are valid to real life. [I so wish I had written down these "types of power." After thinking about the workings of "power" for the next six years of school, it fascinates me to think about what I learned about it in a high school speech class. Plus, that teacher was the guy who lambasted the drinking age / military enlistment age argument as being totally invalid. Blah.] Hehe, Jackie got put with Daniel again. She can’t seem to get away from him! It was great, too, cuz when they called his name, you could practically feel her crossing her fingers, hoping and praying they wouldn’t say her name. And whose name was called next? Oh, that would be Jackie. Danielle and I just cracked up. It was very amusing. ~9:00

Same day...

In pre-calc once again. We get to watch October Sky, but I’d rather write. [Why were we watching October Sky in pre-calc? Was this a subliminal message from a post-Cold War institution that we should be using our math classes to eventually build rockets? Or did she just not have a lesson plan for that day? (Totally didn't remember the movie at all--just looked it up on IMDB.)]Though I cannot write down everything I should at this point due to my present company, I can tell about some. [Intriguing...] This week, in its entirety, was pretty fulfilling. I guess I’ll start my physical description of today from the beginning. I woke up to that song I hate, and when that comes on first thing, I’m grinding my teeth as I awaken. So I literally pulled myself out of the warm bed and dragged my feet to the bathroom. [Have you heard that David Cross skit about people using the word “literally” improperly? When you use it wrong, you REALLY fuck up!] I was definitely running late, but had to shave so I was pretty screwed. [So goes the average troubles of a middle-class white girl.]

I get to school, go to speech. Sorry, too many distractions in this room. I had to put up with Newkirk’s pink stupidity. I got put in Kevin’s group; spent that “group time” writing my previous entry. Gym was sort of weird; Wes’s being kinda of different lately. He’s not as flirty and outgoing as he used to be; he’s acting more like we have this emotional connection and I’m hurting him somehow. Like when he helped me up as always, he held on to my hand a lot longer than normal and asked me if we were still on for Saturday. I said yeah, etc., give me a call and let me know what time it is. The good thing is that it’s in Batavia. The bad things are that 1) I don’t want to give him the wrong impression and 2) I’m not gonna know anyone there. Oh, and 3) I don’t wanna drink/smoke. And I’m kinda wanting to go to a haunted house with Sara and others that night. So I’m booked for the weekend and not really wanting to be. [Weren't you just worried about no one paying attention to you? Ah, the fickleness begins... :)] Chemistry was pretty crappy, and I was sort of looking forward to the possibility of seeing Ron afterwards like yesterday. But that didn’t happen, did it? Oh well. Lunch was basically uneventful and then comes pre-calc. I’m sitting here with Molly, Nick, Cesar, and Max. Oy. That’s really all that needs to be said. So even though we have another ½ hour, I’m going to go now.

Not much to say about this one. I'm getting excited, though! The good stuff's coming.